I'm ready to live, I'm ready to leave, I'm ready to go!

I have given an unduly large amount of thought and time lately to what I need in life and how much I should depend on people. Before my brake up I depended massively on my friends on an emotional level because over the years I came to expect a certain reaction and level of support. When that didn't happen I had to question there depravity but then I realised how weak I had become and that stands testimony because of how badly I have dealt with my brake up. I had to start questioning myself for myself and that is what I have done. My head has been all over the place, up and down but pretty much always in a bad place. Well no more!

I will no longer be depending on anyone, I will stand for myself and be my own person. I tried being the good, conscientious, caring boyfriend/friend to everyone. And that blow up in my face. No one cares or remembers so why bother? Because of my dependence on the people around me I lost my strength and to some extent my dignity. So this is a message to everyone out there. I love you all but I no longer need you or your friendship, I still want it but I am not longer going to be going out my way to make it happen. I have done my bit now but no longer will I be holding my tongue, I have been sitting back letting the comments wash over me with blind apathy but I wont be any more. Anyone who wants to make little comments to me or under there breath or even just get touchy for touchys sake well don't expect me to sit back and just let you any more, expect a profane retort. Wave good bye to emotional, lackadaisical Jaye because we are going to have a return of the out spoken, arrogant, pretentious, nefarious Jaye.

Being emotional and dependent left me weak, exposed and an easy target. It has only brought me pain and I have lost my morals. I trusted a hope, a belief in something that never happened and I should not have let myself get in to that position so I have learnt the hard, public way. In front of me is the whole world, with billions of people to met, right now I lead a little blinkered life in Calne with people who can't see past what they know, in the next few years my life is going to explode as will these. With loads of new opportunities, experiences and people. So bring it on, it is going to be f****** brilliant. 

I have learnt a valuable lesson, when you are down your true friends step forward and are there for you, people who really care. All you people are the people worth fighting for and I hold you all close to my heart, but now I know who you are, there is no disparity to who you are and I'll always be there for you. As we march though the dates summer is almost on its death bed and up is the only way I am going! I am going to move with the times, let happen what happens and breath a sigh of relief that I learnt this lesson young. If no one is my hero, no one can let me down. From now on what does Jaye want?

Love a revitalised, energised and perhaps a little ostentatious Animosity kid x

Starting to get back on my feet again.

Okay here is the deal. The plan was to write something a little more upbeat then what we have got use to of late and try and recover the tone of my blog a little. Well I am still to an extent going to try and achieve this but I don't want you all getting the wrong idea, that all is well in the world of Jaye and I am spending the days making daisy chains and baking, I most certainly am not. There is still a lot of pain in my heart and all attempts to cure this have been futile and laced with false hope, even this one brilliant day I had that made me think "hang on, I might be able to this" blow up in my face quite unexpectedly with a equally unexpected revelation. Seeing my ex is still one of the most painful exercises I can put myself though. Why it should be so hard is really unexplainable but rest assure it is horrible, I want to be comfortable and relaxed but it just isn't in me. I really do hope she is doing better then me and all evidence suggest she is.

Also to add to my woes my Father has now gone in to one of his "your not a good enough son routines" which I can expect to last a few weeks. This morning he actually said and I quote "When you where younger I thought you would be a success, but now I don't think you will and that is really sad", which is and I'm sorry but really hard to swallow. I mean it is not like my confidences hasn't all ready taken a beating but now my Dad has lost faith in me as well. I can only block out so much and try and hold my head high but it not easy when people are trying to hold my head down.

Right that is the complaining done, evidently I'm not having the easiest time of it at the moment so lets examine what is going well in my life or gives me reason to smile? Well at this weeks Formula 1 once again Felipe Massa put in an amazing drive proving that he is still a contender in race trim against the arrogant Fernando Alonso unfortunately only to be let down by his pit crew again. I have been spending loads of time with my more allusive friends so I have got loads of plans in the pipe line while rekindling old friendships and relationships. I have finally got my new media centre working so all my music is at last neat and tidy. Patrick Stump has realised a new song and given he has the most beautiful voice in the world this is very good news. I also treated myself since I have had such a hard time of it lately to a new pair of chinos and boatmans. I have got another Clarkson book bringing the total up to 11 which I think is pretty good going. A wired friend of mine has even brought a teepee for her garden. Finally I have watched the funniest stand up in the world ever, Rod Gilbert it turns out is the funniest man alive, not only is he Welsh but the passion and energy in the performance was simply astonishing, I don't know how long I could shout for but I don't think it could be that long. Watching other stand ups now I imagine will leave a lot to be desired.

I appreciate that this list is rather simply, it is a pretty safe bet that none of you are going to sit up and say "Damn what a guy, he is living the dream". But I need to enjoy the little things and slowly brick by brick rebuild my world, work out where I sit amongst you all and smile more. My friend dreamt that last night we had an argument and that I then proceeded to throw myself in front of a car, and I have to say I have considered the latter part of that dream but I'm not going to give anyone the satisfaction of me committing suicide and I still have some things to live for. I'm getting there, there is still a long hill in front of me and some things are still horribly hard but I am becoming more and more determined to get there. One last time I want to thank everyone that has still and continued to be there for me, you are all a god send, you really are!

Love the Animosity Kid x

Now the dust has settled what has survived?

Well it is a week on since a large part my world fell apart and I guess it is time for a summery of how things are going for me. A number of things have been made apparent as I have gone through this painful period and most notable of these realisations is just how many people care about you and not from where you would expect either.

About two of what I would have considered to be my close friends attempted to see how I was or ask how I was getting on in the week afterwards. I don't resent them or harbour any anger towards them after all they where all terribly busy making sure my ex was okay, so they had there hands full and we should forgive them for that. So I have to say a massive heart felt thanks to the people who did ask, people I would never expect to care or understand that made the effort to make sure I was dealing with it and extended a shoulder or ear. The response and support shown was overwhelming. I really cant thank you enough or make it clear how much of a difference you all made to me. There are two people in particular and you know who you are that just made it bearable and even managed a smile out of me. Calming me, counselling me, keeping me from doing anything silly, reassuring me and just being amazing selfless human beings. You made me realise it was not all me and I hadn't lost everything. You showed me the light at the end of the tunnel. You picked me up when the world had let me down and you helped carry the burden of the world. I can not stress enough how much gratitude I feel, if there is anyway I could ever do to repay you all for what you have done then don't even consider hesitating in asking!

Apart from that I have been trying to deal with the expected loneliness so I went to stay with my life long friend, he has been like my brother since we where children and so he was the perfect refuge out of town while the dust settled and I got my feelings back in order. I stayed with him for three days and he was yet another example of the amazing good hearted caring people I have found around of me. When you are on your back foot it brings the best out in people I have found, they don't question you, they just support you and care. I don't go though life looking for angels but when you are at your darkest hour they do appear and show you the way to the light.

In my last blog I made the point that I could see no future for me and I didn't no what to do next. Well although I am still pretty lost to as where I stand in the world and its people, I am still trying to fathom what people think of me and whether they have really misjudge me as badly as they seemed to. However I am starting to find some clarity and I have been seeing all the friends I tend not to, it has been heart warming to see all these people I don't normally free of prejudgement and assumption. What this has meant is that I have got loads of days out scheduled with old friends that I am really looking forward too. While the pain of losing my relationship still burns fresh on my mind this does at least allow me a period of rest-bite from the pain, where I can forget how bad it is and just enjoy the good company. I am even managing to regain some self confidences which will please people.

What I am trying to say if I am saying anything is that to anyone looking in at me they would think I was fine, and I am getting that way, one friend said it will takes months to get over her because she was so gorgeous and I will never find someone more beautiful and maybe they are right but I have to try and look ahead, raise my head to the world and remember that no matter how bad it gets you always have people that care even if you didn't expect it to come from where it did. It is not all doom and gloom, I still have friends and although there is a long road ahead I can at least walk down it in good company.

Love the Animosity Kid x

I'm picking up the piece's of my heart while I'm forced to walk away in pain.

Right now I am in a fucking state, every part of me hurts in some way or another, my head burns and so does my insides. I continue to cry and teardrops continue to roll down my face washing away all the hope I had left. The pain inside me is indescribable, it just tears me up, my face is contort with anguish and a beleaguered sense of self doubt and sadness. My heart says no but my head keeps giving in. This pain is unrelenting and cruel, it seems to be hell bent on making sure I hate ever moment of this. I just want to stop crying.

The emotions I feel right now and in to the future are so raw and extreme because I loved her, I have never felt anything like it, she was my world, my everything but I continued to lose her, I continued to lose everything I ever wanted and I watch it. I fucking watched it evaporate in front of me powerless to do anything about it, I had no plan, no idea, nothing. All I could do is try and work though it, praying it would get better. She was just so beautiful, she was unreal. You just don't understand, none of you do, not one. She was perfect and everyone else enjoyed it and I just wanted the same, all I wanted was the same as everyone else but it was to no avail. I just wanted the same attention every one else got, I don't think that is asking to much.

As I stood there watching my world melt around me and seeing everyone of my friends crowd her it hurt, more then I could have dealt with. Not one of them spared a thought for me, not one person considered me and that is because I am the nasty boyfriend who is selfish and trying to steel her away. Well I wasn't I just wanted to share her, be a part of her and her life so that we could connect and grow deeper in love but they didn't understand, they still don't and I will always be the one in the wrong. Just for wanting what ever one else got, they don't even fucking realise they have it, every think I ever wanted they got it all while I was falling deeper down my hole of pain and loneliness. I am so lonely and I have been feeling this growing feeling of dislocation and despair take rote inside me.

They say I have changed and they are right, I am scared, insecure and afraid, this world increasingly make less sense to me. I don't no what to do, where to go from here. What would you do if you have just been dump and watch your friends walk away? I'm just praying to a god I don't believe in and when a heart brakes it don't brake even. I'm falling to piece's. I just want to feel love, wanted, understood, but all I get is hurt.  

I am scared for my future, from where I sit with a wet key bored I see no happiness, and what make it all the worse is I know she wants this, while I sit here alone, scared I could hear her with her friends laughing in the back ground, they know nothing of the pain I feel. She has every one with her, consoling her, I didn't have this. She did not realise how much I had fallen in love with her, how much I wanted her, how great we could have been. She thinks we can just be friends but I can't, not after loving her so much, I can't just turn that off or ignore it, it will kill me form the inside out and it is not fair on me. They say if you love someone enough you have to let them go and that is what I am doing, if it takes for me to let go for her to smile then so be it. I will take this finally opportunity and take pride in the fact that she is now happy, because at the end of it all, her happiness and life matters more then anything, certainly more then mine so at least this horrible pain will ensure she is happy and it make it that little bit more bearable for me.

Knowing things would never be the same now she has a empty heart and mines full of pain. Who would have thought it would end up like this? Everything we talked about is gone. There was a time when we'd stay up all night best friends talking till the sun rise. We took the joys alongside the pain with not much to lose but so much to gain but now that is all gone and it is my fault. I can feel the colour grain from my world as it fades from my face, it is all over.

Sometimes we have no choice but to walk away. I am a broken man alone in the darkness and there is nothing I can do. I don't really know where to go from here.

Love a hurt and mourning Animosity Kid x   

And it was golden when the day met the night.

Well this week has been prom week and I found myself surprised at how underwhelmed I was at the build up to the big night. It is the day you talk about you're whole school life, I can remember asking girls to prom in year 3 with my other mates to make sure we got who we wanted. Needless to say given I changed school and moved along way away from there I never went with that girl, her name was Emma Persey if I remember correctly and I normally do. So there I was 2 hours before we where due to leave, thinking maybe I should get ready while eating a bowl of crunchy nut, other people seemed to be running around hell for leather going mad trying to get ready but maybe I was just organised. The suit had been sorted weeks in advance, shoes had been polished, hair prepared, had a shave and favourite boxers ready. I had even had a shower so all was well in my world. But for my arrogance and unflappable confidence there was one factor out of my control threatening to ruin every ones night.

Half an hour before I am due to bored an open top trailer which had been generously provided by Mike Wilkins and his family for which I am massively indebted to. And then lovingly prepared by me and my friends over the last few weeks was about to be ruined by torrential, unrelenting rain! I'm not exaggerating when I say it was some of the hardest rain I had ever seen. As I was driven 30 minutes out of town to where we where boarding this float I was honestly miserable as the ponding rain continued it bleak fall. Because not only would we be all wet, all are hard work would go to waste and all the girls who had spent so much time, effort and money on there hair where about to have there efforts washed away. Mercifully as I look out over the fields I could see sun light, perhaps the evening would be saved after all and it was. For the rest of the evening the sun came out to be noticed and make peoples photos look nice.

When we arrived me made quite the scene, it turns out that 26 foot of colourful trailer and a tractor the size of a barn do get people staring and bearing there camera's at you, as we drove up the drive the excitement in the air became apparent and the feeling was wonderful, not just because all are hard work was being appreciated but because we had completely out done every one and no matter what you want to say that feels good.

You wont realise or know this but my date wasn't actually my girlfriend but my best friend for complicated reasons which is mostly irreverent, boring and I cant be bothered to explain but I didn't mind at all because my date was very beautiful and I was a very lucky man to be taking her, when I saw her for the first time I was literally speechless, partly because of the transformation and partly because of how beautiful she was however I would be having two treats that evening as I was yet to see my girlfriend. For her dress had also been kept a secret from me. As we drove up the drive out the corner of my eye I saw at the back of the crowd my girl and even from that distance it was clear that the larger trouser choice had been a wise move. After the mass of photography and interest had moved on to the next party of people I was able to reach my girl and once again I was over come by just how beautiful these ladies where able to make them selves, particularly my girl. It is really quite something, I want to try and write and describe how amazing she looked but I fear I would just completely fail at even coming close to conveying the beauty. Maybe in the next blog I will try, who knows.

When we walked in the venue it looked amazing, the aesthetics where perfect, a gorgeous purple that hugged you're eyes, the lighting was warm and fitted the atmosphere like pretty much all the decorations that had been so loving prepared and laid out concentricly about the tables. They had done a wonderful job and it really made the place seem special and fit for a end of year prom, another thing that was surprising and all together pleasing was how good are year looked as a whole and how well everyone behaved, apart from a few minor discrepancy everyone was brilliant and it really finished the night off. There would have been nothing worse if people had titted about and ruined the atmosphere but they didn't so thank you for that.

The food was nothing to shout about, needless to say there was no eccentric Italian shouting in the kitchen at little pore soup chiefs but at the same time I couldn't complain if only a little long between courses but the conversation flowed like the pretend champagne so no one minded. I even got to impose one of my favourite things, proper table manners which made me very happy. Not sure about everyone else but hey, I enjoyed it.

The music was very good, we had booked the band "The Street Orphans" and they are really very, very good, I recommend you go and check them out on Facebook because they played the night out on the high and got the whole year dancing even my head of year had a little sway on. My dancing is nothing to brag about but I gave it my best, made a fool out of my self and had a jolly good time, I even pulled all the muscle in my stomach to show how hard I was trying. The night ended with 3 beautiful slow dances, 1 with my beautiful girlfriend, 1 with my equally wonderful date and finally one with a very good friend who hadn't got her slow dance at her prom so I wanted and was able to give it to her and she describe it as "like a fairy tale" which also made me very happy.

As I sat back in my arm chair being driven back to the farm on the float watching the finally rays on sun vanish from the distance horizon I couldn't help but smile and reflect in wonder at how well the evening had gone, I was apprehensive and worried going in to the evening but every think up to that point had come together. It really was something special and so I am so happy that I can remember that night for ever, beautiful people, beautiful setting, beautiful times culminating in beautiful memories.

Hope all your proms where as good as mine!

My third infatuation. 

Love the Animosity Kid x     

The beginning of the enslavement of the human race.

I thought this week I would change the tone of the blog in search of some humour since they have all been a little down beat and genially to do with my self inflicting idiocy on my part so I have written about something that really annoys me, turns my blood to acid and then boils it for good measure.

 

It seems to me that there are now 3 million horsists in the United Kingdom of Great England land, so for the remaining 58 million we have a major problem. Bigger then knife crime or happy slapping, it is in fact horse ownership.

Now I once lived on a horse camp ermm farm so I know roughly how much they cost to run and maintain. To buy a horse you would have to be clinically insane or bed-wettingly rich because to purchase, move around and feed a horse costs about the same as it does to run Luxembourg. I believe a pet should be an extension of your family, one of life’s add-ons but horse ownership consumes your whole life. You have to get up at 6 in the morning every morning and clean its excrement up, then you get to spend 5 hour’s of your day grooming it and feeding it. At this point it will take you for a walk.

However taking a horse out on the road is ill advised and a dangerous business, you see the Romans only laid so much road and the rest was left up to us Brits. Being British we decided they did it all wrong and we know what's best, “what roads need are lots of needless corners” thus most of the British road network is made up of sharp corners and blind crests. So try and imagine the shock when you exit a corner to find 2 tonnes of leather clad muscle lumbering along at 5 mph quite unaware or prepared to alter course. And yet we are expected to slow down, turn are stereos down and move in to oncoming traffic just to ensure your 4 billion pound investment doesn’t get spooked and has to be shoot. At this point horsists will argue that the roads where first intended for horses but lets remember the royal family was first intended to rule and now they are only allowed in to parliament by invitation only.

So now you arrive home with a spooked horse in a raging mood because some motorist has not moved far enough over or turned his Chris Moyles down. But don’t think you can stop there oh no you still have a good couple of hour’s of feeding and pampering ahead of you. Finally at 1 in the morning you collapse in to bed in a bad mood, shattered and aching from the manual labour and the lots of falling off which will inevitably happen. You got the horse for a pleasurable past time but now you work harder and longer then you did as a child in the workhouses.

Repeat 7 days a week, ever week for the rest of your life!

And to top if off all 3 million horsists feel the need ever Sunday to drive the damn things around in ugly, beige trailers along ever inch of Briton, I think they just do it to annoy me! But they never exceed 4 mph to ensue it doesn’t go lame. If I ever get stuck behind a horsebox I will follow them home shoot the horse and put a powerful air-hose up the driver’s ass. I can get a dog, cat, pig even a tapir in my boot and drive as fast as I want, where ever I want and I’m in no ones way, surely that is easier, faster and cheaper.

The only winner here is the horse. With its walnut sized brain it has work out how to turn the smartest, most dominant race on the planet in to its own personal servant. A servant that dose ever thing for the horse and will never blame the horse for any thing purely because of how much they have spent and don’t want to believe the horse could do any thing wrong and yet cost so much. The servant lives for the survival of the horse.

The beast now rules the humans so for that I must say well done horse, very well done!

Hope that was slightly enlightening, I'm sure we will return to normal proceeding soon enough.

This is my second irritation. 

Love the Animosity Kid x

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die. Where you invest your love, you invest your life.

As I'm sure you're all frightfully aware, I am rather new to this blogging business and I have in two very different minds over whether to right this or not in fear or hurting or worrying anyone, but like the European union I have found an unhappy compromise. I have to get my feelings out and find some resolution and answers otherwise I will continue with this awful self inflicted torture of self doubt and worry along with a terrible headache that persists every time I'm worried, scared or stressed about something, and at the moment that is all the time so here goes.

I have just returned from a 40km 3 day hike and so I'm feeling fragile and emotional, I ache in places I didn't no I could and I'm very tired, it is amazing how much time you have to pounder you're thoughts when your going up and downs hills attempting to take your mind off the horrendous pain in your back or the stabbing sensation in your left ankle. And so the result of all this thought is "am I making my girlfriend happy?" Yes we are back again at my favourite topic of conversation, my relationship but this is what is making me worried at the moment. So stick with me.

I'm not going to use examples or go in to the tedium of specific events but the outline of the problem is that I am concerned I simply don't make my partner happy. When we are alone together all is good with the world, I could not be more happy when I have her attention and don't think I am asking for all the time in her life because I am far from doing that. The problem there in is that when I am with her with friends she just doesn't seem interested in me, on one notable occasion today I walked over and sat down and hugged her, not once did she look at me, return the gesture or even acknowledge me being there and then after 5 minutes she walked off. Now does that seem odd to you? And it isn't confined to that instants either, I could walk over to her and get completely blanked and consistently do so, this could just her being her but I'm not so sure. One other thing is I just want her to come hug me, pay me attention, more then anything. It may seem lame but I want to feel wanted, I want her to come over to me no matter what I am doing and hold me, tell me she loves me and share the world with her. But she does not, I'm sorry to say this but the rest of the world just seems more interesting to her then I am. The few times she has come over she has been prompted on a number of occasions quite unaware I knew she had been because I had heard the prompt. If this was a rare thing then I wouldn't be worried about it but it isn't rare, it is consistence, common behaviour. 

To start with I attributed this to nerves knowing that this was her first proper relationship and it take times to grow in confidence and know how to behave, if it has not come naturally and just relax but now it has been a month and I have begone to question myself, I tell myself give it time, but how much time? I just don't know. Surely she watches other relationships around her, I can think of two notable examples straight off to learn from, if I wasn't sure that would be the first thing I would do, learn from two successful examples close to me, but she does not seem to, she has said she is not sure how to behave but it is not like she doesn't have the resources to learn from so is she choosing not to? On the transport home today she didn't want to sit with me where as the other couples went out there way to make sure they where together and on the way there we only went together because her friend made sure, she was more concerned with other friends and I just want to feel wanted. I want to see the effort of her wanting me. So finally we reach my problem, yes this is new to her, and yes maybe she isn't sure how to behave but she can see it for herself from others and she is in know doubt to how I feel so is the problem me? Being the logical solution.

I sit around with other people talking to me all the time and wanting to be around me but I spend the whole time just wishing it was her, willing the person to transform in to her. I really struggle with self confidence and I watch other relationships with jealous rage just wanting the same. She talks to loads of other people so it isn't she has no time, but she chooses to spend it with other people while the other couples are with each other, it really is the most depressing, deflating feeling. By chance are group met hers today but instead of walking with me she chose to walk with my best friend, well about anyone that wasn't me. I just cant fathom it, what am I doing wrong, it most be me, it has to be me!

I don't want to spend the whole time questioning myself, doubting myself, resenting myself but I am and I want it to stop, I want to find the confidences I pretend to project so the world will leave me alone because if I stopped this act and let the world in everyone might just realise how alone I feel and how paranoid I am. This incredible girl can do this, she can fix me by just being her. Perhaps time is the answer but I don't know, I'm just so scared I don't make her happy.

Before I leave you I would like too say not all is bad, there is some great times and when the stuff I long for does happen I am so happy, I'm just so scared at the moment, you don't no this but my last relationship ended mostly because she cheated on me, that is the 5th time that has happened to me and that is why my confidence hangs by a thread, I may project an arrogant, I am the best person persona but don't be fooled, I'm fragile and scared. This relationship is so close to being perfect, she is so close to being perfect but just little things are keeping it out of reach, I could make this so much better if I would just be allowed the chance.

My heart stumbles on things I don't know and now I feel like I most show my weakness.

Remember to hold on to what you believe in! Because I intend too and I believe in her. 

This is my first irritation.

Love the Animosity Kid x