As I'm sure you're all frightfully aware, I am rather new to this blogging business and I have in two very different minds over whether to right this or not in fear or hurting or worrying anyone, but like the European union I have found an unhappy compromise. I have to get my feelings out and find some resolution and answers otherwise I will continue with this awful self inflicted torture of self doubt and worry along with a terrible headache that persists every time I'm worried, scared or stressed about something, and at the moment that is all the time so here goes.
I have just returned from a 40km 3 day hike and so I'm feeling fragile and emotional, I ache in places I didn't no I could and I'm very tired, it is amazing how much time you have to pounder you're thoughts when your going up and downs hills attempting to take your mind off the horrendous pain in your back or the stabbing sensation in your left ankle. And so the result of all this thought is "am I making my girlfriend happy?" Yes we are back again at my favourite topic of conversation, my relationship but this is what is making me worried at the moment. So stick with me.
I'm not going to use examples or go in to the tedium of specific events but the outline of the problem is that I am concerned I simply don't make my partner happy. When we are alone together all is good with the world, I could not be more happy when I have her attention and don't think I am asking for all the time in her life because I am far from doing that. The problem there in is that when I am with her with friends she just doesn't seem interested in me, on one notable occasion today I walked over and sat down and hugged her, not once did she look at me, return the gesture or even acknowledge me being there and then after 5 minutes she walked off. Now does that seem odd to you? And it isn't confined to that instants either, I could walk over to her and get completely blanked and consistently do so, this could just her being her but I'm not so sure. One other thing is I just want her to come hug me, pay me attention, more then anything. It may seem lame but I want to feel wanted, I want her to come over to me no matter what I am doing and hold me, tell me she loves me and share the world with her. But she does not, I'm sorry to say this but the rest of the world just seems more interesting to her then I am. The few times she has come over she has been prompted on a number of occasions quite unaware I knew she had been because I had heard the prompt. If this was a rare thing then I wouldn't be worried about it but it isn't rare, it is consistence, common behaviour.
To start with I attributed this to nerves knowing that this was her first proper relationship and it take times to grow in confidence and know how to behave, if it has not come naturally and just relax but now it has been a month and I have begone to question myself, I tell myself give it time, but how much time? I just don't know. Surely she watches other relationships around her, I can think of two notable examples straight off to learn from, if I wasn't sure that would be the first thing I would do, learn from two successful examples close to me, but she does not seem to, she has said she is not sure how to behave but it is not like she doesn't have the resources to learn from so is she choosing not to? On the transport home today she didn't want to sit with me where as the other couples went out there way to make sure they where together and on the way there we only went together because her friend made sure, she was more concerned with other friends and I just want to feel wanted. I want to see the effort of her wanting me. So finally we reach my problem, yes this is new to her, and yes maybe she isn't sure how to behave but she can see it for herself from others and she is in know doubt to how I feel so is the problem me? Being the logical solution.
I sit around with other people talking to me all the time and wanting to be around me but I spend the whole time just wishing it was her, willing the person to transform in to her. I really struggle with self confidence and I watch other relationships with jealous rage just wanting the same. She talks to loads of other people so it isn't she has no time, but she chooses to spend it with other people while the other couples are with each other, it really is the most depressing, deflating feeling. By chance are group met hers today but instead of walking with me she chose to walk with my best friend, well about anyone that wasn't me. I just cant fathom it, what am I doing wrong, it most be me, it has to be me!
I don't want to spend the whole time questioning myself, doubting myself, resenting myself but I am and I want it to stop, I want to find the confidences I pretend to project so the world will leave me alone because if I stopped this act and let the world in everyone might just realise how alone I feel and how paranoid I am. This incredible girl can do this, she can fix me by just being her. Perhaps time is the answer but I don't know, I'm just so scared I don't make her happy.
Before I leave you I would like too say not all is bad, there is some great times and when the stuff I long for does happen I am so happy, I'm just so scared at the moment, you don't no this but my last relationship ended mostly because she cheated on me, that is the 5th time that has happened to me and that is why my confidence hangs by a thread, I may project an arrogant, I am the best person persona but don't be fooled, I'm fragile and scared. This relationship is so close to being perfect, she is so close to being perfect but just little things are keeping it out of reach, I could make this so much better if I would just be allowed the chance.
My heart stumbles on things I don't know and now I feel like I most show my weakness.
Remember to hold on to what you believe in! Because I intend too and I believe in her.
This is my first irritation.
Love the Animosity Kid x
No comments:
Post a Comment