Right now I am in a fucking state, every part of me hurts in some way or another, my head burns and so does my insides. I continue to cry and teardrops continue to roll down my face washing away all the hope I had left. The pain inside me is indescribable, it just tears me up, my face is contort with anguish and a beleaguered sense of self doubt and sadness. My heart says no but my head keeps giving in. This pain is unrelenting and cruel, it seems to be hell bent on making sure I hate ever moment of this. I just want to stop crying.
The emotions I feel right now and in to the future are so raw and extreme because I loved her, I have never felt anything like it, she was my world, my everything but I continued to lose her, I continued to lose everything I ever wanted and I watch it. I fucking watched it evaporate in front of me powerless to do anything about it, I had no plan, no idea, nothing. All I could do is try and work though it, praying it would get better. She was just so beautiful, she was unreal. You just don't understand, none of you do, not one. She was perfect and everyone else enjoyed it and I just wanted the same, all I wanted was the same as everyone else but it was to no avail. I just wanted the same attention every one else got, I don't think that is asking to much.
As I stood there watching my world melt around me and seeing everyone of my friends crowd her it hurt, more then I could have dealt with. Not one of them spared a thought for me, not one person considered me and that is because I am the nasty boyfriend who is selfish and trying to steel her away. Well I wasn't I just wanted to share her, be a part of her and her life so that we could connect and grow deeper in love but they didn't understand, they still don't and I will always be the one in the wrong. Just for wanting what ever one else got, they don't even fucking realise they have it, every think I ever wanted they got it all while I was falling deeper down my hole of pain and loneliness. I am so lonely and I have been feeling this growing feeling of dislocation and despair take rote inside me.
They say I have changed and they are right, I am scared, insecure and afraid, this world increasingly make less sense to me. I don't no what to do, where to go from here. What would you do if you have just been dump and watch your friends walk away? I'm just praying to a god I don't believe in and when a heart brakes it don't brake even. I'm falling to piece's. I just want to feel love, wanted, understood, but all I get is hurt.
I am scared for my future, from where I sit with a wet key bored I see no happiness, and what make it all the worse is I know she wants this, while I sit here alone, scared I could hear her with her friends laughing in the back ground, they know nothing of the pain I feel. She has every one with her, consoling her, I didn't have this. She did not realise how much I had fallen in love with her, how much I wanted her, how great we could have been. She thinks we can just be friends but I can't, not after loving her so much, I can't just turn that off or ignore it, it will kill me form the inside out and it is not fair on me. They say if you love someone enough you have to let them go and that is what I am doing, if it takes for me to let go for her to smile then so be it. I will take this finally opportunity and take pride in the fact that she is now happy, because at the end of it all, her happiness and life matters more then anything, certainly more then mine so at least this horrible pain will ensure she is happy and it make it that little bit more bearable for me.
Knowing things would never be the same now she has a empty heart and mines full of pain. Who would have thought it would end up like this? Everything we talked about is gone. There was a time when we'd stay up all night best friends talking till the sun rise. We took the joys alongside the pain with not much to lose but so much to gain but now that is all gone and it is my fault. I can feel the colour grain from my world as it fades from my face, it is all over.
Sometimes we have no choice but to walk away. I am a broken man alone in the darkness and there is nothing I can do. I don't really know where to go from here.
Love a hurt and mourning Animosity Kid x
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