Okay here is the deal. The plan was to write something a little more upbeat then what we have got use to of late and try and recover the tone of my blog a little. Well I am still to an extent going to try and achieve this but I don't want you all getting the wrong idea, that all is well in the world of Jaye and I am spending the days making daisy chains and baking, I most certainly am not. There is still a lot of pain in my heart and all attempts to cure this have been futile and laced with false hope, even this one brilliant day I had that made me think "hang on, I might be able to this" blow up in my face quite unexpectedly with a equally unexpected revelation. Seeing my ex is still one of the most painful exercises I can put myself though. Why it should be so hard is really unexplainable but rest assure it is horrible, I want to be comfortable and relaxed but it just isn't in me. I really do hope she is doing better then me and all evidence suggest she is.
Also to add to my woes my Father has now gone in to one of his "your not a good enough son routines" which I can expect to last a few weeks. This morning he actually said and I quote "When you where younger I thought you would be a success, but now I don't think you will and that is really sad", which is and I'm sorry but really hard to swallow. I mean it is not like my confidences hasn't all ready taken a beating but now my Dad has lost faith in me as well. I can only block out so much and try and hold my head high but it not easy when people are trying to hold my head down.
Right that is the complaining done, evidently I'm not having the easiest time of it at the moment so lets examine what is going well in my life or gives me reason to smile? Well at this weeks Formula 1 once again Felipe Massa put in an amazing drive proving that he is still a contender in race trim against the arrogant Fernando Alonso unfortunately only to be let down by his pit crew again. I have been spending loads of time with my more allusive friends so I have got loads of plans in the pipe line while rekindling old friendships and relationships. I have finally got my new media centre working so all my music is at last neat and tidy. Patrick Stump has realised a new song and given he has the most beautiful voice in the world this is very good news. I also treated myself since I have had such a hard time of it lately to a new pair of chinos and boatmans. I have got another Clarkson book bringing the total up to 11 which I think is pretty good going. A wired friend of mine has even brought a teepee for her garden. Finally I have watched the funniest stand up in the world ever, Rod Gilbert it turns out is the funniest man alive, not only is he Welsh but the passion and energy in the performance was simply astonishing, I don't know how long I could shout for but I don't think it could be that long. Watching other stand ups now I imagine will leave a lot to be desired.
I appreciate that this list is rather simply, it is a pretty safe bet that none of you are going to sit up and say "Damn what a guy, he is living the dream". But I need to enjoy the little things and slowly brick by brick rebuild my world, work out where I sit amongst you all and smile more. My friend dreamt that last night we had an argument and that I then proceeded to throw myself in front of a car, and I have to say I have considered the latter part of that dream but I'm not going to give anyone the satisfaction of me committing suicide and I still have some things to live for. I'm getting there, there is still a long hill in front of me and some things are still horribly hard but I am becoming more and more determined to get there. One last time I want to thank everyone that has still and continued to be there for me, you are all a god send, you really are!
Love the Animosity Kid x
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