"My thoughts are just stars I can't fathom into constellations."

I don't want to full down the trap I have before by saying I am desperately in love and it is going to last forever because that would be short sighted of me. Forever is such a long time and one day every human being will be dead, that might be tomorrow or it might be in a million years but there was a time before organisms had a conscious and could love and there will be a time after it. A time where there will be no love, or memories. I just want to live for today. Are we just lost in time or are we living ever second to the fullest? We spend everyday following social convention assured it is the best way to spend the regrettable small amount of time we have, but is it the best way? 

Unfortunately that is not for us to decide, all we can decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. Love is the best chemical reaction that happens with in us, some people can just love and love and love but others can't. Others can't forget, they fight, lost in a blizzard of pain and hatred and I find this sad to watch. Thankfully this is not a story of heart brake or pain but of compassion and faith.

They say something is always more fulfilling when you have to fight for it and this is know less true then the case in hand. The case I am alluding to of course is my new (well not so new any more) relationship, with one Kayleigh Gazzard. I will admit that I was a little apprehensive writing this blog purely because I have become so nervous about relationships and my ability to hold them together. I'm pretty sure I am shinning example, just not sure of what yet. But there is no doubt that I had to fight for her.

True love will triumph in the end, which may or may not be true, but if it is a lie then it is the most beautiful lie we have. Do you believe in true love? Because I do, I don't believe everyone is entitled to love or luck but I do believe in true love. I think everyone should get to experience it and it should last for as long as there life does. I don't think I was ever particularly lucky and I never found love but then all at once that changed, I found love and luck all at once in one beautiful, shinning example of human kind. It has always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people want to be around someone because they’re pretty. It’s like picking your breakfast cereals based on colour instead of taste. Perhaps with the exception of Kayleigh, she is so unabashedly beautiful that you are just drawn to be around her, but there is a second much more exquisite surprise. Not only do we get the astonishing beauty but we are also get to experience a near as makes no difference perfect personality. To be swept up in her personality is like having a fresh spring breeze rushing through your hair while being hugged by polar bears. Its an assault of the senses but an assault you hope never to end. 

Now I have talked of love before and I can hear you naysayers saying "Ahh yes, that is all well and good but what makes this any different? Huh" Well on the face of it, it doesn't but consider this. In 4 months we have had exactly zero arguments, spent most of the time smiling and the rest of the time is spent laughing. It's all going so perfectly for me to have any doubt in my mind. No doubt there will be issues like in any good relationship but I am assured that we will be strong enough to work through them. Better still not only do we enjoy each other but we enrich each other lives, actively adding to one another. When something new moves in to a system and only has positives effects nothing fights it, it just becomes part of the system, perfectly integrated. This is what has happened, we have come in to each others lives and only enhanced it, and so there has been no arguments, just plasure. 

Also we have had some beautiful times together, only last weekend we went for a long walk over the downs which is a beautiful part of the country, glorious rolling hills, entwined with rich green grass and naked trees. The sun glinted of the peaks and rolled on down the hills like golden rain, while the songs of birds reverberated amongst the spurs. After walking for some time  we chanced upon a gorgeous, secluded lake where we had a picnic and spent the rest of the warm sunny spring day lying in the sun together, I really could dedicate a whole blog to that day. This is just one example of the beautiful times we have shared together and I look forward to the many more awaiting us.

This time I am taking nothing for granted and living for every second we have together, to often at the moment I see relationships where they is constant arguments and unrest and it is so saddening. So to everyone please don't take your boy or girl for granted but love them and tell them every day that you do, you never know when you will need them. 

To the future; together. 

Love the Animosity Kid x 

Sorry Guys.

Unfortunately this post is currently undergoing some editorial work, but all other post are still active and public if you so wish to view them. 

The Fault In Our Stars.

Lately I have been busy beyond compare which has been clearly reflected in the complete and utter (inexcusable) lack of blogs. You see in a matter of weeks I have gone from doing 5 days of college every two weeks to working 3 jobs along with college and unfortunately something had to give in my schedule and that has been my blog. But alas, I am writing again so sit back and enjoy.

Looking back on this year I am relatively happy with how it went, I miraculously got through 3 relationships, 5 jobs and 2 schools. That is not bad going by any ones standards but how would I actually rate this year and my achievements? Well I would give myself a 7 out of 10. There have been some truly out standing moments, like for instances when I got the job with Mark Bailey Racing and my prom. But also some tragically low points like falling out with all my friends over the summer publicly and unnecessarily. But the point to this is not to reflect on the bad points but to thank life for the great points and look ahead to the future.  

When I look back on this year I do not look back with sadness of regret, I look back and remember laughing with my friends, going to campout's, meeting girls and having a jolly old good time. This year I have gone on holiday with my good friend Laurence twice, and have some fantastic memories, like when we decided that we where going swimming regardless of temperature. Being the English Channel it was -1 million degrees and I nearly died from shock. The next day we went kayaking, having never kayaked before I figured the English Channel was a-good-a-place as any to learn, oh but what a mistake that was. I did not bank on a hurricane coming in and after attempting to negotiate 10 foot waves for 3 hours using my limited experiences ( 3 hours to be precise) I very nearly expired due to exhaustion and was beginning to wish I had been because that seemed much more pleasant then the prospect of being smashed aganst the rocks by a wave the size of an average American citizen! Also earlier in the year we decided to go out door swimming in the middle of February, if you're not from England I advise you come here and stand out side in a pound and feel the cold. But here is the thing, I look back on these memories with such fondness and glee. Everyday we live we add to our memory bank and experiences, we all do amazing things and everyday we live we get to expand that bank of happiness. I like to call it are life library. 

The best thing about having lived another year is that I have learnt more about myself, I have experiences new challenges, dealt with new situations, not always making the right decisions, granted. But always learning for the next time. Also I have learnt and the enjoyment and self worth of becoming more knowledgeable is unparalleled. The more you learn the more of a rounded human being you become, you become more interesting, more informed, wise and mostly experienced. I am so much more mature and experienced then I was a year ago and I think that makes me a better person. Also another year down and another opportunity to expand our interest, I now live on blogs and vlogs, I myself as you well know since you are reading this have started a blog, which has gone from strength to strength. It may not be as regular as was originally intended but its still no less here and growing in popularity to which I am hugely grateful. 

As I look in to my fictitious crystal ball looking in to next year I see one exciting opportunity waiting to be seized, I have a new girl in my life, I have a very stable dependable friends group, my family support my direction and it all looks set to be awesome. I might be going to Canada to meet a very good friend, I will learn to drive and I will travel Europe working with a race team pursuing my dreams for which I am so thankful, I must never forget that most people don't get to follow there dreams but with the hard work I have put in I am, I am privileged and it is such a great feeling to be doing it. 

This is the time of year to be with family and friends, but not just with them but to realize how lucky we are to have them, I want everyone reading this blog to have a fantastic Christmas but more importantly a fulfilling and proud 2012, I love you all and you never fail to impress me with the amazing things we can achieve together. We are a incredible community made up of all classes and walks of life but in 2012 we can stand together and know we made the world in 2011 suck a little less and be that little more awesome. Thanks you from the bottom of my heart for supporting my blog over the last half year and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. 

"Fear is killing us, but true love can survive. If we cooperate, we can beat doubt. But first, rebuild trust. Take responsibility. Happiness is still free, though not always apparent when it's right in front of us. So keep calm, it's gonna get better."
- Patrick Stump

Memories last a life time.

Love the Animosity Kid x

Magnum Opus.

I really must stop saying sorry; it doesn't make things any better or worse. If only I had it in me to be all fierce, fearless and forthright instead of forever sprinkling my discourse with pitiful retractions, apologies and prevarications. The reason I bring this up is I am forever being criticised for my use of big words or as I would have it "Proper English". It seems there is a lot of distaste for my writing style and use of vocabulary and thus, I spend a lot of time apologising and explaining words. So after 22 posts we are finally going to deal with the issue that has plagued them all, Why do I write the way I do and the way most of you have come to enjoy?

If you where to look in any manual of 'good writing' or 'proper blogging' then it would state thus; Say what ever you need to say in-a-short a time as possible, keep it brief, energetic and fun. This way you will have a million views and a guaranteed lucrative publishing deal. So why is it then that I labour over my blogs, taking far more of my readers time than would normally be acceptable, agonising over every detail. I'm not really sure to tell you the truth but it is how I have always been and I intend to stay this way.

If a thing can be said in ten words, I may be relied upon to take a hundred to say it. I ought to go back to ruthlessly prune, pare and extricate excess growth, but I will not. I like words - strike that, I love words - and while I am fond of the condensed and economical use of them in poetry, in song lyrics and on twitter, I love the luxuriant profusion and mad scatter of them too. After all, as you will have noticed in previous blogs, I am the kind of man who writes things like "I keep thinking about different blog topics and a few have come to my attention but as we all seem to be moving in to our futures they all seemed to pale in to insignificances as what is happening right now seems the most prevalent." All I needed to say was "What I was writing about is irrelevant right now so I have written something else". It makes just as much sense and gets my point across but and here is the thing; I don't think it makes for pleasant reading, it isn't engaging or enriching, it is mealy succinct and to the point. If my manner of writing has you grinding your teeth then I am sorry, but for me it is a self-indulgence and if there is one thing you can be sure I can be relied upon to do, it is to indulge myself.

I hope you forgive the unedifying sight of my struggle to express some of the truths of my inner self and to measure the distance between the mask of security, ease, confidence and assurances I wear (so easily it features often misunderstood for a smirk of smugness and/or arrogance) and the real condition of anxiety, self-doubt, self-disgust, loathing and fear most my life is lived in. At the end of the day I suppose my life is as interesting or as uninteresting as the next persons but this is my life and I can do with it, what I wish. Both in the real world and on the page. The only difference is that you choose to read about mine.

When I first embarked on this blogging journey I never new where I would end up, I just wanted to discover a little about myself and delve in to me, I am who I am after all. I know some of you hate me and equally how some of my friends love me. We all have little things in our lives we agonise over, something we take more care in then anything else in our lives, it is by essence what makes us human. Every time I post a blog and it is warmly received it gives me such a good feeling of elation and achievement. Lets not forget that 6 years ago I could not spell my own name since I am dyslexic and now look at me, I can spell tintinnabulation. So it is a little achievement when I write, a little indulgence if you will.

This blog is my Magnum opus, it is what gives me joy in life. What I want you to take away from today is that what ever it is in your life that is your little thing, your special thing that no one can take away from you. Go away and enjoy it, do it, read it, write it, drive it. It doesn't matter, just do it. I am determined to have a happy end to the year after so much pain so I want to leave you with one of, if not my favourite quote.

“Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all.”

―Vincent Van Gogh

Love the Animosity Kid x

Splendid Irrelevances.

Now here's a story I like very much.

Just before Christmas last year an American computer games company called Maxis Inc. released an adventure game called SimCopter in which players had to fly rescue missions. When you completed the final mission you were suppose to get a audio-visual extravaganzas completing the storyline and filling you with a jolly old good feeling of self worth and accomplishment. However instead of the presumed surprise, the winners found images of men in swimsuits kissing each other. The rouge images turned out to be the work of one 33 year old game programmer called Jacques Servin. When contacted by the Times, Mr Servin said "he did it to call attention to the stark lack of gay computer characters in games". The company hastily recalled 78.000 games and invited Mr Servin to find employment elsewhere. 

Here is another story I like.

In June a couple of years ago, while travelling across America by car, Mrs Rita Rupp got it in her mind that she would be abducted by nefarious persons. So, just to be on the safe side, she prepared a note in advance, in appropriately desperate-looking handwriting, that read: "Help, I've been kidnapped. Call the highway patrol". The note then gave her name and address. Now if you write a note like this, you want to make certain that either (a) you do get kidnapped to make proper use of it or (b) you don't accidentally drop the note out your handbag. Well guess what happened? The Hapless Mrs Rupp dropped the note, it was then picked up and turned in by a conscientious citizen, and the next thing you know police in four different states had set up roadblocks, issued news bulletins and generally got themselves pretty excited. Meanwhile, Mrs Rupp drove on to her destination blissful unaware of the chaos she had left in her wake. 

The trouble with these two stories, as delightful though they are, is that I haven't figured out a way yet to get them into my blogs. That is the problem with the blog writing business, you are forever coming across interesting or amusing anecdotes and titbits of information. When I come across them I carefully file them away in my head under 'Computer Games (Man Kissing)' or 'Worse Travel Tips Ever', or whatever seems to suit. Then some time latter I will rediscover them in my mind and be at a loss as what to do with them or how to incorporate them in to my blogs . The trouble is I never know what I am going to write about so I just keep them filed away just encase by some miracle I do need them. 

Similarly I had a story entitled "Man Found Chained to Tree Again", it was the again that particularly court my eye. If the headline had been "Man Found Chained to Tree" I probably would have moved on. After all anyone can get themselves chained to a tree once. But Twice - well, now that is beginning to seem a tad careless. The person concerned was one Larry Doylen, who, it turns out had the interesting hobby of chaining himself to trees and then throwing the key just out of arms reach. On this particular occasion, he has been out in the woods for two weeks and had very nearly expired. A diverting story no doubt, and clearly a salutary lesson for any of us wishing to take up al fresco bondage for a hobby. 

I am at a loss to recall the presumed significances of any of this or as to why I choose to remember it but I have and yes, it is completely irrelevant but maybe this will just put a smile on your face the way only a funny story can. I hope you enjoyed this mornings blog because I have enjoyed writing it more than most. 

Love the Animosity Kid x

A Series of Unfortunate Events.

I'm finding it really hard to write at the moment as I have said previously, just finding topics and making them interesting is not easy. Anything I do write I'm never satisfied with it and it all just turns in to an incoherent mess and then get exiled in to digital oblivion. Despite all this I have got myself another cup of coffee and turned the music to 11 in an attempt to write something worth reading.

So I thought I would just keep it simply, I would talk about my life and how I seem to be spending most of it very disappointed. I believe hope is leading my down a trail of disappointment, literally over the last few weeks it has been one thing after another so I am going to go though them in no particular order and try and make sense of them, enjoy. 

1) For those of you paying any attention at the end of my last blog you will have noticed how I said there was big news on the way and how I could not tell you yet, well now I can. This was meant to be a very happy blog about how I was moving forward, how I could really see a future and I could now spend my days making daisy chains while frolicking in the meadow. Unfortunately this is not to be, over the summer after Nina I met a beautiful girl, I'm not going to do one of my stereotypical descriptions of her because I have written about her before if you look back. What I didn't mention at the time was how happy she was making me feel, I feel very lonely a lot of the time for various reasons we will get too but she made that evaporate, she made life seem tantalisingly perfect, the feeling was almost palpable. I could write a whole blog about her with out even thinking about it but we need to get on. I risked a lot for her and I had large arguments over her to defend her because I believed she was wasn't different, someone truly special, she made me feel wanted and loved something my last ex never managed. Unfortunately it was never to be, as we got closer and closer it became apparent perhaps her heart wasn't in it and indeed it wasn't. I don't resent her or haver any anger towards her but I do miss her deeply, she was truly wonderful to behold. This was the first thing that set of my series of unfortunate events but I thank her for the little time she gave me because it was the best I've ever spent with a girl. I still don't really understand how she feels but I know there is no hope so I will cherish the memory's.

2) I have written about the sacrifices I have made to go to college before to do with losing out on my friends and that has never been more apparent and painful then at the moment. We all went out Sunday and had a lovely day together but all it does for me is make it ever more clear what I am missing out on everyday. I try and stay positive but god I miss them and want them back. I am simply not making the relationships in college I need to stay happy, I am a person who depends and leans on there friends so to not have that support network around me well, I am finding it a challenge at best. I just love you all so so much. 

3) As you all know I have had a job at the local Fish and Chip shop for the last few months, I loved it because it was so wonderfully British despite being run by Portuguese, it was hard work but you got to interact with the customers and serve people who in some cases had travelled hours just to come to your Fish and Chip shop and there was something about that, that made you feel special. I tock great pride when cleaning all of the front of house because I really cared and loved the job. On a Friday when it was incredible busy the stress levels where through the roof with very inpatient customers but it got the heart pumping and I loved the rush. So I guess you can see where this is going? Yes, you would be right, they let me go, my services where no longer required. They had a fair enough reason which was they needed a full time instead of part time and could not afford both but what I take issue in is that they did not tell me until my last shift and they had known about it for 2 weeks. It gave me no time to prepare or save and it has left me in a very difficult financial situation. If I had a family to support I could not even begin to imagine the pressure. 

I think I will leave it there for tonight but there are just so many things going wrong in my life at the moment along with some silly decisions I am just getting no luck at the moment. My Dad says maybe it is just not my time and I bloody well hope he is right because if this is how the rest of my life is set to go then I am pulling the plug now and going mad, life is easier when your mad because no one cares what you do or how you do it. 

I am giving life everything I have got at the moment and it really isn't paying off so I am just going to keep trying and hoping and who knows, maybe it will get better. I might even meet someone who falls in love me not "fall out of what ever it was I felt for you". But I must dash because I have yet another hospital appoitment to get too.

Love the Animosity Kid x

Humans are not proud of their talents, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

I am very sorry that it has been such a long time since I have blogged but I have been really struggling with writing them, I like to spend as much time as I need to get them right and after writing countless blogs I was just never really satisfied with the out come and thus, none of them ever got posted so I have done the easy thing and decided to write about other people. Sorry if you where expecting some heart felt emotionally fuelled confession to the world but my friends have advised me against it. Probably for good reasons but rest assured as I am sure proceeding's will return to normal soon enough.  

I think in this peculiar society we now live in where people aspire to be known for there boobs instead of there brains we have some strange ideas about life and how it comes to be what it is. "Yes children this meat did once have a face and conscious, it wasn't made by Mr J.Saisbury". So you understand the point I'm trying to make here? Also it seems that musicians and people with real talents have lost there prestige, they where highly respected professionals who spent years tolling away at a dream until they made it big, people now seem to think that all they do is go to Mr Cowell, win a glorified school talent contest and Bamm, there a big shot!

Clearly this is not true but for the vast majority of the population who seem to heading for an intelligence oblivion they seem to think that is the case. "Scary times I know". But never fear for I am hear to set some things straight, look at me caring for you lot, aunt I nice? In reality true singers, actors, actresses, photographers and all the other disciplines are people who work hard over many years to perfect there talents and try and get noticed by the big players in there industries, who make a youtube channel, or a tumblr blog, anything for exposer. These people work so hard and they are the true future of the arts. So I thought it would be nice if we reconsigned a couple of these such people right here, right now on my blog.

The first is a young singer, she has a little youtube page and certainly not the best recording equipment in the world, but that is kinda the point, making do with what you got just because you love what you do and you want to get it out there regardless. This however by no means detracts from the end result which is a beautiful expression of voice and passion. She has a lot of talent and I feel it is definitely worth a watch with her beautiful voice and gorgeous hair. http://www.youtube.com/user/pheebjus   

The second is another singer/actress and she has beyond any shadow of doubt got a career ahead of her doing something with her voice, she has a very popular youtube page in which she has a multitude of videos, not all singing, but mostly. Where she sings and flaunt hers ability to play at least 3 different instruments often being joined by her lovely and beautiful friend, there duets are wonderful as there voices just seem to work well together. She is beautiful and highly talented and her voice has brought me to tears on more then one occasions, also I have had the privilege of working with her on live shows and so hearing her live which let me tell you is a breath taking experience. Check it out! http://www.youtube.com/user/r0xyri0t

Now for a different flavour of talent. Now anyone who has ever been brave enough to venture on to the world of tumblr will be aware that any rich middle class girl with a SLR thinks they are David Lachapelle but the truth of the matter is very different. Photography is notoriously difficult to get good at and is more of a gift then a skill so I welcome you to a girl who's photography will blow your mind, for me I find the strength and clarity of the colours and textures the best bit, but it is like art and everyone's reasons for loving it will be different, she has a flickr space with a sample of her work so please have a look and email me telling me what you loved about it. www.flickr.com/photos/shelsanphotography

Writing is another commodity we seem to have lost faith in or sight of, I myself would not be able to write these blogs with out a certain level of competences with writing and confidence in my grasp of the English Language, they are not perfect but hey, I am dyslexic and I try my best. However one blog I really enjoy is one called 'In Gold Blood', it is a fantastic, insightful blog in to the everyday trials and tribulations of a teenage girl as she passes thought some of the hardest years of her life. For any guys struggling with girls feelings give this a read and it may help. There is a casual lightness in the way it is all written making it easy reading while still being engaging and interesting. It is not very well known so please do give it a read and leave positive feed back. http://ingoldblood-weeze.blogspot.com/

I have pointed out only 4 talents here but that is only 4 out of a sea of thousands of hard working, stoic ambitious individuals and I think we have to keep reconsigning and appreciating where the true talent comes form because I promise you it does not come from Simon Cowell's talent factory road show, but it is a choice. If you want to listen, watch and read a load of fabricated, manufactured, soulless crap then please don't look at the links and don't support your local arts and music. But if do like me appreciate individuality, new ideas and inspirational talents then take 10 minutes out of your schedule and have a look.

Love the Animosity Kid x

P.S I have big news but I am not allowed to share it with you yet. But it is going to be good!