I really must stop saying sorry; it doesn't make things any better or worse. If only I had it in me to be all fierce, fearless and forthright instead of forever sprinkling my discourse with pitiful retractions, apologies and prevarications. The reason I bring this up is I am forever being criticised for my use of big words or as I would have it "Proper English". It seems there is a lot of distaste for my writing style and use of vocabulary and thus, I spend a lot of time apologising and explaining words. So after 22 posts we are finally going to deal with the issue that has plagued them all, Why do I write the way I do and the way most of you have come to enjoy?
If you where to look in any manual of 'good writing' or 'proper blogging' then it would state thus; Say what ever you need to say in-a-short a time as possible, keep it brief, energetic and fun. This way you will have a million views and a guaranteed lucrative publishing deal. So why is it then that I labour over my blogs, taking far more of my readers time than would normally be acceptable, agonising over every detail. I'm not really sure to tell you the truth but it is how I have always been and I intend to stay this way.
If a thing can be said in ten words, I may be relied upon to take a hundred to say it. I ought to go back to ruthlessly prune, pare and extricate excess growth, but I will not. I like words - strike that, I love words - and while I am fond of the condensed and economical use of them in poetry, in song lyrics and on twitter, I love the luxuriant profusion and mad scatter of them too. After all, as you will have noticed in previous blogs, I am the kind of man who writes things like "I keep thinking about different blog topics and a few have come to my attention but as we all seem to be moving in to our futures they all seemed to pale in to insignificances as what is happening right now seems the most prevalent." All I needed to say was "What I was writing about is irrelevant right now so I have written something else". It makes just as much sense and gets my point across but and here is the thing; I don't think it makes for pleasant reading, it isn't engaging or enriching, it is mealy succinct and to the point. If my manner of writing has you grinding your teeth then I am sorry, but for me it is a self-indulgence and if there is one thing you can be sure I can be relied upon to do, it is to indulge myself.
I hope you forgive the unedifying sight of my struggle to express some of the truths of my inner self and to measure the distance between the mask of security, ease, confidence and assurances I wear (so easily it features often misunderstood for a smirk of smugness and/or arrogance) and the real condition of anxiety, self-doubt, self-disgust, loathing and fear most my life is lived in. At the end of the day I suppose my life is as interesting or as uninteresting as the next persons but this is my life and I can do with it, what I wish. Both in the real world and on the page. The only difference is that you choose to read about mine.
When I first embarked on this blogging journey I never new where I would end up, I just wanted to discover a little about myself and delve in to me, I am who I am after all. I know some of you hate me and equally how some of my friends love me. We all have little things in our lives we agonise over, something we take more care in then anything else in our lives, it is by essence what makes us human. Every time I post a blog and it is warmly received it gives me such a good feeling of elation and achievement. Lets not forget that 6 years ago I could not spell my own name since I am dyslexic and now look at me, I can spell tintinnabulation. So it is a little achievement when I write, a little indulgence if you will.
This blog is my Magnum opus, it is what gives me joy in life. What I want you to take away from today is that what ever it is in your life that is your little thing, your special thing that no one can take away from you. Go away and enjoy it, do it, read it, write it, drive it. It doesn't matter, just do it. I am determined to have a happy end to the year after so much pain so I want to leave you with one of, if not my favourite quote.
“Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all.”
―Vincent Van Gogh
Love the Animosity Kid x
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