I keep thinking about different blog topics and a few have come to my attention but as we all seem to be moving in to our futures they all seemed to pale in to insignificances as what is happening right now seems the most prevalent. I feel over come with loneliness at the moment because I am a spectator to all my friends starting 6 form and feel a little out cast. I know that is not there intention but an unfortunate inevitability of my situation. Since I am the only one of my close friends going to college I now have to face a fact that I have been trying to avoid and ignore all summer, now it is time to stand alone and be counted. The safety net my friends provided has now been lifted.
I can't help but feel like I am missing out on my friends, I keep seeing them in my head and reading on social networks that there having a jolly old good time together sharing the fears, stresses and joys that the new school term brings and they are experiencing that together while I literally have no one, just a useless feeling of self doubt and pity with no one to confide in that is doing the same as me. Sometimes I just feel like crying because this loneliness is so unendurable, like a crushing darkness around you. I have no girlfriend, no god, just silly old me and although my friends have been amazing in telling me I will be missed and they love me that is kinda the point. I don't want to be being told I will be missed, I want to be sharing the ups and downs with my friends while worrying about pointless homework. It's all just becoming a bit to much for me. Just another fun way for god to test me.
I know I choose this fate and I don't regret that, I just don't like some of the sacrifices I have had to make because of it. A number of large and significant steps have been made in my life lately, I have got a job, working in a fish and chip shop. How wonderfully British is that? But I enjoy the work and get along well with the staff along with good pay. I have received my results and they where okay, good enough but I wont lie and say I was not disappointed, all my friends did so unbelievable well, A*- A across the bored for most of them and it just drives the point home that "Jaye, you really should have done better!". Sometime life gives you a wake up call and sometimes you need it, life likes to kick you in the ass when you least wont it but I'm sure it will do me good and that point brings me neatly on to the next topic. My results after much pen tapping and umming from the college just about got me on the course, it was no easy task and I may have told a little white lie but sometimes you have to lie to get you where you need to be and I'm all for self-preservation. The point being is this course will be hard bloody work and will require absolute dedication and commitment from me in all aspects and the sacrifices will be large so perhaps it is best I got dumped when I did since it looks like I wont have any time for social endeavours.
And I suppose that is the point of this blog this evening, in growing up, you have to make sacrifices to achieve your goals and make are futures something to be proud of weather it be a bin man or brain surgeon. For me the sacrifices have started early and some of you out there who are reading this will be going through the same thing with wearying levels of optimism towards it. But at the end of the day when all is said and done we have to do it so to end this blog on a positive note. Good luck all my friends in your chosen disciplines, institutes and lives remembering no matter what we have each other and you no what? The growing up has only just begone.
Love the Animosity Kid x
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